


Dovahbill

by orphan_account



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Gravity Falls
Genre: Gen, Tags will be added as the fic continues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 07:17:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7091197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Have you ever wondered what would happen if Bill Cipher randomly woke up in Skyrim?  No?  Well I have!  Mischief, mayhem, assassins, dragons, the world is in chaos and Bill is loving every second of it.  He may just be the hero nobody asked for in a time that really doesn't care who's the hero as long as somebody stops the world from ending.  Even if that hero lets the world burn while he's at it</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dovahbill

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so here's the crossover that nobody asked for. Gravity Falls and Skyrim. Right.
> 
> You know, you could insert any character into Skyrim and it'd make a pretty interesting fic.
> 
> Heck, any rpg is good.

There was fire. Chaos. Everything was perfect. Then, Stanford and his brother pulled that little stunt. He begged and begged but in the end, there was no saving him. He was done for. The room faded to black as Stanley punched him, shattering his body into pieces. Bill Cipher was defeated.

A gentle rumbling sensation roused his consciousness. "Hey, you," someone said, "you're finally awake." Bill blinked. Two unfamiliar fleshbags were in front of him, and a gagged man sat next to him. The long haired blond fleshbag to his left was talking. "You were trying to cross the border right? Walked into that imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there. Though I can't imagine why they thought an Imperial would join our ranks."

Bill didn't answer. He was still trying to get his bearings. He was in a carriage; he couldn't move his hands because they were tied. His hands. Bill had permanent hands now, and permanent legs. They were fleshy too. The strange sensation was a bit more familiar to him since he'd possessed Pine Tree not so long ago, but it was still weird. He was human? He looked down. There were rags on his body, and no shoes on his feet.

The brunette to Bill's right was spewing out words. "Damn you Stormcloaks! Skyrim was fine until you came along. Empire was nice and lazy. If they hadn't been looking for you, I could've stolen that horse and been half way to Hammerfell! You there-" he looked at Bill- "You and me- we shouldn't be here. It's these Stormcloaks the Empire wants." He gestured with his head to the blond man.

"We're all brothers and sisters in binds now, thief," retorted Blondie.

Skyrim? Stormcloaks? Bill stared dumbly at the human. This was not Gravity Falls. Indeed, it fell far outside his realm of limitless knowledge, or, as it turned out to be, not limitless. He felt disoriented and misplaced. He hated it. It wasn't fair! He should be basking on a throne of human statues right now! Lost in his thoughts, he did not notice that the fleshbags were still talking. "-the Jarl of Windhelm? You're the leader of the rebellion! But if they've captured you... Oh gods, where are they taking us?"

I would like to know that too, thought Bill. "I don't know where we're going," said Blondie, "but Sovngarde awaits."

The brunette made a noise of fear in the back of his throat. "No, this isn't happening. This can't be happening!"

The carriage was silent for a while as each man pondered his fate. Bill in particular was especially curious. He had no idea what had happened. He decided to count the facts. One: he was in a human body. Two: he had no idea how he got in it. Three: he was about to get slaughtered. But if this was a possession, that should be okay. How could it not be a possession? That Bill had somehow gotten a body of his own... Nah, that was too improbable. Impossible! And yet he had no memory of possessing anybody. Hmm...

Blondie interrupted his thoughts. "Hey, what village are you from, horse thief?"

"Why do you care?"

"A Nord's last thoughts should be of home."

"Rorikstead. I'm from Rorikstead," Scaredy-Cat answered as they entered the gates of some sort of town.

"General Tullius, sir! The headsman is waiting!" called the soldier driving their cart. "Good!" answered a grey-haired man who must've been Tullius. "Let's get this over with!"

Scaredy-Cat prayed to what Bill assumed were his gods as they drove through the town. "This is Helgen," Blondie said. "I used to be sweet on a girl from here. Wonder if Vilod is still making that mead with juniper berries mixed in. Funny... When I was a boy, Imperial walls and towers used to make me feel so safe."

The wagon pulled up next to another cart full of prisoners. Bill could see a chopping block ahead. He tried to ignore the nagging thought in the back of his head, what if it's not a possession? and tried to focus on the good things. Like how interesting it would be to experience getting his head cut off! He wondered if he'd run around like a chicken.

"Why are we stopping?" Scaredy-Cat whimpered.

"Why do you think? end of the line."

The cart pulled to a full stop.

"No! Wait! We're not rebels!"

"Face your death with some courage, thief," Blondie said as the prisoners began filing out of the carts, one by one. 

"You've got to tell them! We weren't with you! This is a mistake! Right, Imperial?" Scaredy-Cat looked at Bill with wide eyes.

Bill shrugged. "Probably! Isn't gonna change things much, kiddo!" Scaredy-Cat looked like he was about to cry.

A woman in an impressive suit of armor motioned them forward. "Step towards the block when we call your name. One at a time!" 

"Empire loves their damn lists," muttered Blondie.

"Ulfric Stormcloak, Jarl of Windhelm."

"It has been an honor, Jarl Ulfric." He bowed his head.

"Ralof of Riverwood!"

Blondie left for the block.

"Lokir of Rorikstead!"

"No! I'm not a rebel! You can't do this!" cried Scaredy-Cat. He made a break for it.

"Halt!" yelled the armored woman. Scaredy-Cat did not halt. "Archers!" she cried. A hail of arrows battered into Scaredy-Cat. He went down. Bill would've found it funny, if he wasn't so hung up on what had just happened to him. "Anyone else feel like running?" asked the woman.

The young man beside her caught sight of Bill. "Wait, you there. Step forward." Bill casually sauntered up. The man looked him over. "Who are you?" he asked.

"The name's Bill Cipher. You know where I can find a place named Gravity Falls?" He figured it was worth a shot.

"Uh, no?" the man said. Damn. There went that idea. Granted, it was a stupid idea, but it was the only idea Bill had at the moment. Lister's superior elbowed him in the side. "Uh, right! But he's not on our list!"

"Forget the list. He goes to the block."

Lister gulped. "By your orders, Captain. I'll uh, make sure your remains are returned to Cyrodiil. Or Gravity Falls. Or wherever." Another elbow. "Follow the captain, prisoner."

Bill followed her to the chopping block, a bit wary of what was to come. But he tried to ignore that. He was excited at the prospect of death, though he wished they'd be more creative than simple beheadings. If it was Bill running the show, he'd have everyone eaten by flying bears! What is this, the thirteenth century? Oh wait. It probably was.

The grey-haired man, Tullius, began speaking once all the prisoners were assembled at the chopping block. He turned to the gagged man, the one that from what Bill could gather was some sort of big deal. " Ulfric Stormcloak. Some here in Helgen call you a hero, but a hero doesn't use a power like the Voice to murder his king and usurp his throne. You started this war, plunged Skyrim into chaos and now the Empire is going to put you down, and restore the peace."

A distant sound, almost like a roar, resounded from the mountains above Helgen. Everyone looked up. Hm, thought Bill, maybe things will turn out interesting after all. And Maybe I won't die. My body. I mean this body. He still couldn't accept the possibility that he had been reduced to a simple meatsack, that he had lost his immortality and powers and now had nothing.

"What was that?" asked Lister.

"It's nothing," answered Tullius, "carry on."

The Captain saluted. "Yes, General Tullius." she turned to a robed woman beside her. "Give them their last rites."

The priestess raised her arms. "As we commend your souls to Aetherius, blessings of the Eight Divines upon you, for you are-"

"For the love of Talos, shut up and let's get this over with!"

The speaker, one of the rebels, stepped forward. "As you wish," huffed the priestess. The Imperial Captain led the interrupter forward.

"Come on! I haven't got all morning!"

Bill watched in fascination as they brought the man to his knees at the block. The soldier made one last dying remark as the Captain pressed her foot into the small of his back. "My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperials. Can you say the same?" The headsman lifted up the great axe, and swiftly but carefully brought it down on the rebel's head. It was quick, clean, and quite boring in Bill's mind. 

Shouts rang out among the onlookers.

"You Imperial bastards!"

"Justice!"

"Death to the Stormcloaks!"

General Tullius gave everyone a look. A 'shut up so we can get back to chopping heads' look. The people grew quiet.

"Next, the Imperial!" called the Captain. She looked straight at Bill.

"Me?" he asked. He was finally beginning to panic a bit. What if something did happen? 

She made a noise of indignation. "Yes, you. Get up here!"

Another noise rang out from the mountaintops, closer this time. "There it is again," said Lister. "Did you hear that?"

"I said, next prisoner!"

Lister turned to Bill. "To the block, prisoner. Nice and easy."

Bill hesitated. "I think I'd rather Blondie over here go first."

The Imperial Captain's eyes twitched. "You want to end up stuck full of arrows like your friend there?" she asked.

"Do you want to wake up one morning to find your HEAD replaced with your BUTT?"

The Captain's face twisted into a scowl. And then a large black shape barreled into Helgen.

"What in Oblivion is that?" shouted Tullius.

"It's in the clouds!"

"DRAGON!"

The dragon let out what could only be described as a shout. Bill fell on his ass as the sound wave hit him. He hit his head hard on the ground.

A hand grabbed Bill by the shoulder and tried to drag him up. "Come on!" said Blondie. "Get up! The gods won't give us another chance!" Bill lay on the ground for a minute as Blondie continued to try and pull him up. "What are you doing?" he asked indignantly. Bill had an expression of bliss on his face. Ah, chaos, sweet chaos, how I've missed you. He had forgotten his question of mortality in favor of soaking up the beautiful sounds of screaming around him. Blondie finally managed to force Bill up onto his feet. Bill's vision was fuzzy as Blondie led him on, on to a stone tower not too far away. Ulfric was waiting inside, no longer bound.

Blondie and Ulfric began talking, but Bill didn't care. He ran up the steps of the tower, laughing. He wanted to see the chaos firsthand.

He was knocked back down the stairs as the dragon burst through the wall. He was pretty sure he broke something in the fall, but that didn't matter to him. The dragon was beautiful, all black scales and red fire. To Bill, chaos was bliss.

The dragon pulled away, and Bill got to his feet and headed back up the steps. Unfortunately, the next flight had been destroyed by the dragon. There was only a hole left where it had burst through. Blondie had now scampered up the stairs, and was now yelling at Bill to leap. "Through the roof! Jump through and keep going! We'll follow you when we can." Bill looked around. Seemed there was nowhere else to go. He jumped.

It hurt when he fell onto the second floor of the building. That was okay. He kept going. He hopped down to the first floor. The walls of the house crashed around him as he walked through it, grinning and surveying the destruction. He wondered if he could find some way to get a pet dragon of his own. Then he could cause chaos wherever he wanted!

Someone grabbed his arm. It was Lister. "Stay close to me!" he shouted as he dragged Bill away from the burning building. 

"HEY! What are you doing? I was enjoying that!" Bill pouted in protest but Lister didn't seem to care. He led Bill through the streets, dodging rubble and the dragon. Finally they came to a large building with two doors. Blondie had found his way there too.

"Ralof! You damned traitor," called Lister when he saw him, "out of my way!"

"We're escaping, Hadvar! You're not stopping us this time."

"Fine! I hope that dragon takes you all to Sovngarde!"

Lister turned to Bill. "With me, prisoner! Let's go!"

"No, with me! Into the Keep!"

Bill looked from one man to the other. One of them had been in the cart with him, the other had tried to cut his head off. He still didn't know if he could die, but he wasn't taking any chances. Not in this situation. He turned to the two men.

"Okay, Blondie! I'll go with you."

 

As soon as they got inside, Ralof cut Bill's bindings off. He turned and caught the sight of a body in the same blue armor that all the Stormcloaks seemed to wear. He walked over and crouched down. "We'll meet again in Sovngarde, brother." He stood up and turned to Bill. "Looks like we're the only ones who made it. That thing was a dragon, no doubt. Just like in the children's stories and the legends. The harbingers of the End Times." He was silent for a spell.

"End Times?" asked Bill. "Like the apocalypse? Sounds fun! You know, I almost managed to start the apocalypse back home. Didn't work out, though." His expression turned sour. Damned Pines twins, he thought. Both sets of them. 

Blondie was looking at him strangely. Then he shrugged. The Imperial must be a madman, he thought, nothing more. He looked back down at his fallen comrade. "You may as well take Gunjar's gear. He won't be needing it anymore."

"You mean, strip him?"

"... Yes."

Bill shrugged. "Well, I've done worse!" He pulled the armor off the dead man and strapped it on. It fit kind of awkwardly, but that was to be expected. The corpse had an axe too, which was also taken. Blondie looked Bill over and nodded.

"That should be good. I'm going to see if I can find a way out of here." He walked over to the left door. "This one's locked. You see about that gate."

Bill walked over to the gate and pulled on the handle. "Nope! This one's locked too!"

A clanking noise alerted the men to another party's presence. "Come on, soldier! Keep moving!" It was the Imperial Captain.

"Take cover!" whispered Blondie.

"Get this gate open," the Captain ordered. The gate came down, and Blondie struck.

"Imperial dogs!" he yelled as he swung his axe. Bill figured he's join in too. It was always fun to kill! The Captain was busy fighting Blondie, so Bill turned to face the two men who had come with her.

"COME AND GET IT, SUCKERS!" he yelled as he swung his axe into one man's chest. His surviving friend raised his sword as Bill pulled the axe out. He brought his weapon up just in time to stop the blow,, then swung the axe into his attacker's neck. "THAT'S PAYBACK!" he said cheerfully as the man fell. "Man, I wish I could've pulverized their organs in their dreams like I did back in the old days."

Blondie had already finished off the captain and dished the key from her corpse. "Come on," he said. "Let's get out of here before the dragon brings the whole tower down on our heads."

He and Bill walked down a long, winding staircase. They reached the bottom just as the roof collapsed ahead of them, crushing a few more Imperials who had survived the dragon's attack. After carefully climbing over the rubble they found themselves face to face with two more soldiers. It was simple work taking care of them, and they were soon on their way after gathering a few potions from the storeroom.

They made their way down another flight of stairs. The sound of fighting could be heard as they descended. "Trolls blood!" exclaimed Ralof as he hurried down the steps. "A torture room! Hear that?" Bill had to run to keep up.

They entered the room to find three Stormcloak soldiers locked in combat withy the torturer and his assistant. Blondie yelled and charged at the torturer; Bill followed him with a bit less enthusiasm. He instantly noticed that the torturer shot lightning from his fingertips.

"Why don't you teach me that when we're done," panted Bill as he finally reached the battle. "THOUGH I EXPECT IT'LL BE HARD TO DO ONCE YOU'RE DEAD."

"Of course he can't teach you when he's dead, are you crazy?" Blondie yelled back as he struck down the assistant.. "Wait don't answer that, you are." With only his magic between him and his five attackers, the torturer was cut down like grass.

"It's too bad," said Bill as he wiped his weapon off on his clothes. "I really wanted to learn."

"Maybe you still can." Blondie looked towards three cages lining the wall. A dead man lay in one, right next to a book and some gold. "There's some lockpicks on that table, and that looks like a spell book in there. Why don't you see if you can get that door open? Magic might be useful."

Bill picked up the lockpicks and walked over to the cage. It took a minute of fiddling with the lock, but finally he got it open. As promised, inside was a spell book. Bill skimmed through it. Fire. Healing. Sparks. He quickly read the instructions (being a demon had a few perks, including a photographic memory.) He tried the healing spell first. A strange tingling sensation filled him as his bones knit back together. He winced at the pain that followed. Then he tested his muscles. It seemed he was healed.

"Let's go!" called Blondie from the next room.

"Alright, alright don't get pissy, I'm coming!" Bill called back. The group ran along until it encountered more soldiers. Five on five this time. Two of the Stormcloaks ran to meet the two archers in back as Bill and his fellow faced a man and a woman with swords and shields. That left Bill against a large, muscular woman with a giant maul.

Bill figured now would be a good time to try that fire. Blue flames licked Bill's fingers as they rose towards his opponent. She screamed as she was engulfed in them. Her friends faltered at the display.

"I've never seen fire so powerful!" exclaimed Blondie as he finished off his own opponents. "And it's blue! I've never seen anything like it!" 

"Well," said Bill, "I'm glad SOME of my power's still there!"

It was easy to defeat the remaining Imperials. Only one Stormcloak fell to them. "Let's go ahead of the others," said Blondie when the fighting was over. "See if the way is clear." He and Bill walked until they crossed a bridge and into a cavern. As soon as they entered a huge rock came crashing down behind them, barring the way back. "No going back that way now," said Blondie. "We'd better push on. The rest of them will have to find another way out."

"Or maybe they'll STARVE AND DIE!" said Bill cheerily. Blondie gave him a dirty look. "What? I'm just being realistic. Fleshbags have no sense of humor, I'm telling you!" Blondie rolled his eyes at this.

The two of them followed a stream, only to find themselves at a dead end. "Hmm, that doesn't go anywhere," said Blondie. "I guess we'd better try this way."

They followed the new path up a hill. Below were the largest spiders Bill had ever seen that weren't dream constructs. I want those as pets too, he thought as he ran down the hill to meet them. Sadly, they were not friendly spiders. As soon as they saw Bill and Blondie they shot some sort of projectile at them that stung like hell.

Bill felt his strength slowly fade away as the spider venom sapped it, but thankfully fire didn't take much strength to create. Bill dug his axe in between one spider's eyes as he blasted the face of another.

More spiders began coming down around the two escapees. Bigger spiders. Blondie shuddered. As he fought the spiders, he seemed to be in a daze, as if in a nightmare. But spiders burn easily, and Bill had no trouble with them. He burned them until there was nothing left to burn.

Blondie was still hacking at the corpse of the biggest arachnid. "Blondie," Bill cupped his hands around his mouth and called. No response. "Blondieee,' he called again. "Snap out of it before I replace your face with burning flesh!" Blondie slowly began to snap out of his daze. He looked down at the spider, then back at Bill.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I just hate those damn things. Too many eyes, you know?"

"Eh. Eight isn't that much, trust me. Anyways, now that you're done making the dead deader, let's get out of here."

"Right." Blondie nodded. The two of them exited the spider's den to find themselves facing another dilemma: a sleeping bear.

"Hold up," said Blondie, "There's a bear up ahead. See her? I'd rather not tangle with her now. Let's try to sneak by and- No!"

Bill had run right up to the bear and was currently facing her head on. "DIE, GIANT MEATSACK!" he yelled as he began shooting fire.

"That's not sneaking!" cried Blondie as he ran to help him. Bill hit the bear right in the face with his flames. Unfortunately, she did not burn as easily as the spiders did, and jumped at Bill with bared teeth.

She was on top of Bill now. She drew her head back, as if to strike, when Blondie swung his axe right into her thick neck. He swung again and again as the bear writhed and roared, until finally she stopped moving.

Blondie rolled her off of Bill and helped him up. "Thought I'd lost you there," he said.

"Aww you care! That is so sweet. Really, I'm crying." A lone tear fell from Bill's eye. Blondie rolled his eyes again.

"Look, the exit!" he pointed up ahead. There was light filtering through the cavern. Blondie and Bill ran towards it, out of the clutches of the destroyed Helgen.

**Author's Note:**

> i do hope that didn't stick too closely to the script.


End file.
